Tightly

This past Sunday relief society was about the talk given by Richard G Scott.

It was one of my most favorites this past conference. I’ve blogged previously about it.

The teacher giving the lesson asked questions about marriage and how this talk has effected them... made scripture quotes….then said “I would like to hear from the single women on how /what this talk means to them”

Another sister made a statement that her heart ached for those who are single, struggling, been divorced and have not yet received the blessings of marriage.

I much appreciated her comment.

My heart started racing, as thoughts and feelings started pouring into my head. That feeling you get when fast Sunday comes and you need to bare your testimony. It ran through me like thunder. (This isn’t my ward, I was visiting, and I don’t know any of these sisters) Feeling like the comments I was to make, would be….too personal I hesitated.

Finally, the spirit knocked my arm up.

I don’t remember everything I said. But I do remember shocking myself when I made the statement-

“My heart does not ache for what I went though, I left a bad marriage, and I left abuse and pain. Though, maybe it could have worked..or been “enough” I went to the Savior and pleaded and threw all my needs away and said “ill do what you want me to do” I am grateful for talks like Elder Scotts. To know someday I will have a marriage close to or like his, to know that I went through what I did to be a stronger strength to someone else. My children will benefit from my past, My testimony already has. I know that I will remarry, and I know that I will be better, I already am better, and I want to be a faithful and loving mother in Zion.”

I’m glad I was able to get that out; because little did I know my comment was helpful to sisters who were struggling with judgment and hardship in their own families. I am grateful I was able to help others- at the same time myself.

My fear about myself though right now is, I have become too forgiving. Too selfless..because I was so fearful that I was selfish in my previous marriage – feeling like I ruined it because I could not see past the hurt, because I reacted to the abusive, became hardened and mean. I was so scared I would stay that way, and once I got into a relationship again it started to take over..I was fearful of being hurt.

The past 6 months has been very happy, and very sad for me all at the same time.

Last night I had a conversation with my roommate and we were discussing the types of people we want to be. The types of women we both strive for.

I don’t want to be that quick tongued girl, the one who makes snide remarks, who is mean and spiteful. But I don’t want to be trampled on.

I want to be happy. I want to look someone else in the eyes and they see me for what I see them as.

I feel like I have been trampled on, I feel like my heart was smashed, and now I’m trying to blow it back up…make everything ok. Faking it until I make it.

Is this really fair though. Am I lying to myself?

We hold onto things in our lives to give it meaning. We hold onto the savior, he’s what builds us. We hold onto past relationships to help us see and know not to..or to do that again.

We hold onto fear so that we don’t step out into something that could be scarier than we experienced.

We hold onto love, because it is the driving force that brings us closer to someone, to the savior, to a family.

I hold on too tightly. I think sometimes, I should let go.

Cursive

My thoughts are very scattered right now. Sunday was a great day for me. I felt the spirit strong. I felt the peace about a concern of mine, and this talk ran through my mind.

I absolutely love this talk. I makes me hopeful, it makes my grateful of the experiences I have been through in my life. I am optimistic despite my downfalls and trials I continue to go through.

"How Do I Love Thee?"

http://speeches.byu.edu/reader/reader.php?id=1618

There is the talk there, but here is my favorites

"Like ships, people have differing capacities at different times and even different days in their lives. In our relationships we need to establish our own Plimsoll marks and help identify them in the lives of those we love. Together we need to monitor the load levels and be helpful in shedding or at least readjusting some cargo if we see our sweetheart is sinking. Then, when the ship of love is stabilized, we can evaluate long-term what has to continue, what can be put off until another time, and what can be put off permanently. Friends, sweethearts, and spouses need to be able to monitor each other's stress and recognize the different tides and seasons of life. We owe it to each other to declare some limits and then help jettison some things if emotional health and the strength of loving relationships are at risk. Remember, pure love "beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things," and helps loved ones do the same."

I am keeping in my mind the cursive writings of my CTR ring- trying my hardest to choose the right. Always- in everything, life is hard, and Satan is on the prowl, but our love for the Savior will bring us the love we need to find our eternal companion. I am sure of it!

"A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you" (John 13:34; emphasis added). Of course such Christlike staying power in romance and marriage requires more than any of us really have. It requires something more, an endowment from heaven. Remember Mormon's promise: that such love--the love we each yearn for and cling to--is "bestowed" upon "true followers of Christ." You want capability, safety, and security in dating and romance, in married life and eternity? Be a true disciple of Jesus. Be a genuine, committed, word-and-deed Latter-day Saint. Believe that your faith has everything to do with your romance, because it does."

- A

Just cause

They were $6.00- They will last me a lifetime, and I wanted to look like a 1950's receptionist at this awesome party I went to on Saturday Night.



Friends

I love my friends. I have friends all over the place, and world even! How cool is that!?

I have friends in other countries... that brings a smile to my face.

I was thinking today, how would I get through all the many things that I have gone through without friends?

I've made some new ones recently.

Don't you love when you make a new friend, and you know immediately that you  are going to be friends for a very long time..maybe even eternity?

I love my friends. They are mostly girls right now. I used to only have like 1 or 2 girlfriends- the rest were men. I felt that I got along better with men.

Well, that always gets complicated- feelings get involved..or you kiss them..ugh- complications galore!

Anyways. I love you friends. Dearly. I love you. I owe you so much. For the endless times calling crying, laughing, venting, screaming, or just calling because I have nothing to say, but I need someone.

I am going to be a better friend to those who have to me.. or need one. That's my new goal.
I realize that I can be very selfish sometimes.
Despair and sorrow will do that.

Love you.

Love,
Your friend.

Tennis Elbow

I started tennis on Monday.

Quite embarassing.

I played with friends growing up. but never professional..never got that far.

So, I quite enjoy it. A lot actually.

My arm is so sore!

My goal is to get really good, and play against little girls and beat them.

( I say little girls, bc I probably wont be good enough to beat big girls)

LDS Genral Conference

This past weekend was General Conference.

It truly is one of my most favorite times of the year, each year it comes around right when the seasons change, from winter to spring, then summer to fall.
Its a special treat to hear the words that you pretty much already know - in a different voice, meaning  and then get to internalize it differently than you had previously. (like if you read it, heard it in church, or something of that sort )
Conference is usually the same principals.
-The church is true
-Focus on family
-Service towards others
-Be true disciple of the Gospel
-Missionary work
-Temple work
-Honoring your purpose in life

This conference wasn't exactly what I expected. Last minute I ran out of town and escaped to beautiful Utah. (sarcasm)
The last minute stress of leaving town, dealing emotionally with whatever I had on my plate. Seeing old friends, making time for others...I was fearful I wouldn't get what I needed.

Lucky for me. (seriously)

I had a very spiritual experience on Sunday. Quietly in my dearest friends room as we sat and watched on the laptop cuddled in bed. I got and heard exactly what my little heart needed.

Even during the sessions, instead of putting on a movie, getting distracted by TV, or doing things that don't keep the spirit, we were able to sit and share experiences and letters which helped my soul. The spirit of conference lived, and stayed with me. It didn't leave, and it didn't take for conference and the sweet music to bring it back, it just amplified the feeling even more.

Tears were shed and a light was made in my head.

My most favorite talk was by Richard G Scott.
It struck a certain chord with me. I hope one day that I have a sweet husband that can speak of me like that when I am passed.
I realized very quickly, that no matter the guy I end up marrying, no matter how wonderful a man, in order for those words to be spoken I need to reflect on exactly how I am acting, speaking, and overall being.

I have been through so much in the past. I have a HUGE wall that keeps me nasty, spiteful, harsh, loud and our right obnoxious at times. I want to rid of that completely.

I know that I am very tender, sweet, and  really i am just a ball of slobbery sadness. I act tough, but I very easily get my feelings hurt, then I get mean, because I allowed myself to get hurt and those feelings and insecurities creep in.

I have been very emotional lately...its pretty obvious in my previous posts. I had a phone conversation with my mother today. She said some words that I straight up needed to hear. I got emotionally slapped...it still stings.
As much as I want to think that I am "all that" I'm not.

Like Elder Scott's wife, he couldn't think of one negative thing to say to her. I am pretty positive that anyone can think of something negative to say about me...its true. I don't want to be that snide, too sassy, offensive girl.

Since Sunday, i have heavily thought about this, because I came to this realization..I am 3x more emotional than normal. I feel like there is something wrong with me, like I ate something that makes my eyes tear constantly.

When your heart is sad, when heartache is noticed (not just from a boy) you always turn to the Lord.
Several speakers spoke of turning trials into forces that allow you to draw closer to the Lord, strengthen you and give you the ability to grow spiritually, so you can keep aiming to be the strongest spiritual warrior.

I've decided to change a lot of things in my life to better myself. I wasn'tdoing anything really that needed to be cut, like bad movies, music, or TV ( i don't even watch TV)

I am changing my daily habits, 1st thing when i get to work i get on LDS.org and read a chapter out of the BOM.  I need to do that at home more, really ponder and study the scriptures.
I need to journal a lot more. I only do it when I am sad. Who wants to read a bunch of sad sappy entries? not me! Tell me the good stuff!
My language, I replace words with other words and justify it, if you have to justify anything- then its probably wrong.
I need to do more service. I used to do so much when I lived in Texas- always helping, serving and wholeheartedly giving everything i had (mainly bc i was so unhappy and trying to avoid my real life)
I need to pray a LOT more, not just before bed and when I wake up.
More temple work. A couple months ago I talked to a sister about being a temple worker, I need to follow through on that.
Maintain my own personal hobbies. I started by joining a tennis club (go me) I am bad at it, always thought the little skirts were so cute and I think its a good lasting hobby..I hate running, and the gym gets boring.
Spend more quality time, with quality people. I don't associate with those who are bad influences, but I need to open myself more to those who I can better serve, and those who can better serve me.

.....I'm exhausted. But....I want to be happy, and want people to see the light in me that I think I have. I want to be like Richard G. Scott's wife, the sweet tender little woman who could probably do nothing wrong. I want to be a wonderful daughter of God.

Crush

“To love at all is to be vulnerable.

Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken.

If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

c.s. lewis

"I felt it in my bones.

the same bones that are crushing my chest every morning.

i know this will not last forever.

i know i will move on.

i will be ok.

time is a healer.

i have said the same things to my heartsick friends.

but even that makes me sad because that means i will have forgotten.

and right now i don't ever want to forget what this love felt like....

while it lasted.

even if it crushes me"

Couldn't have said it better.
I feel that crush, that wakes you up in the middle of the night, feels like an elephant is sitting on your chest.
I like, a crushed soda can, will eventually mold back into shape..just waiting, and slowly working on the kinks, trying not to cut my fingers on the sharp edges.
-A